Why Humanity Should Finally Admit It’s Running on Beta Software

The Global Council for Existential Maintenance (GCEM) released a polite but clearly exhausted report today urging humanity to “finally admit that the species is operating on beta software last updated around 12,000 years ago.” Analysts say the document reads like a tech audit crossed with a breakup letter, a tone many found comforting because at least someone finally said it out loud. The report begins by listing all known bugs in the “HumanOS” platform, including Emotional Overheat, Productivity Crash After Lunch, and the infamous “I’ll Start Tomorrow” loop that has persisted across every civilization. Experts say version control was lost sometime during the Bronze Age, a detail historians confirmed with a sigh.

According to GCEM’s acting director Dr. Liora Mendev, the only reason humanity hasn’t downloaded a patch is because “no one can find the password to the species-wide admin panel,” which was apparently written on a clay tablet currently buried under a discount mall. The council suggested switching the entire species to subscription-based firmware updates, claiming it would “improve global stability and also provide a steady revenue stream during cosmic recession scenarios.” Economists hesitated at the phrase “cosmic recession,” but nodded politely because they didn’t want to look uninformed in front of a government printer still warm from use.