Global League Bans Winning After Teams Overuse It

The International Sporting Alliance (ISA) has announced a controversial new regulation this morning, officially banning “excessive winning” after a year-long investigation confirmed that several teams were “using victory more often than medically recommended.” Analysts say the move could reshape global athletics, though critics argue it mostly reshapes everyone into losers—an outcome the ISA calls “competitive equality,” and fans call “Tuesday.”

According to the 198-page policy memo, teams caught winning more than twice per month will be required to undergo “balance correction,” a process that includes enforced ties, reverse goal assistance, and in extreme cases, being coached by someone’s confused uncle who “played a bit in college once.” The ISA defended the decision, noting that “victory inflation threatens the stability of sports markets,” especially high CPC sports streaming sectors, where unpredictability is more profitable than competence. One official added: “If everyone keeps winning, viewership drops. People want drama. Ideally tears.”