Global Scientists Confirm Universe Held Together Mostly by Vibes

In a landmark announcement that left physicists blinking like crashed webcams, the International Council of Serious Science (ICSS) revealed that the universe is not primarily held together by gravity, dark matter, or even the occasional inspirational quote — but by “vibes of varying density.” Experts say this discovery could reshape cosmology or at least make group chats significantly more chaotic. Researchers claim the finding first emerged when a supercomputer labeled a galaxy cluster “low-key stressed,” a data anomaly previously blamed on interns.

According to the ICSS report, all matter emits a “vibe signature,” ranging from “chill neutron star energy” to “overcaffeinated quantum particles trying their best.” Dr. Aruna Kex, lead investigator, said the team stumbled upon the phenomenon after running a high-CPC cloud computing simulation that unexpectedly crashed because “the cosmos gave off ‘do not disturb’ energy.” She added, “It appears the Big Bang wasn’t an explosion — it was the universe hitting ‘unmute’ after a billion-year awkward silence.” The room reportedly nodded as if any of this made sense.